let downs

what is it about friends? you give and give and give.... and they take....
im prolly one of the most giving people i know. so much so, that if i had to physically hurt myself to help a friend.... i would. but at the same time, i wouldnt consider myself a doormat either. so at what point do you cut them off? and how? and how do you move on without people that have been a major part of your life.... of your being... those people that you have soooooooooooo many good memories with? im not talking about weening myself off of them, im talkin cold turkey. because my friends are an addiction. but with people being people, i find myself more disappointed in the people they are now... but looking back, i feel i am to blame. im not into playing follow the leader. i refuse to be led. so if im not the follower, then i must be the leader. and where am i leading people? to be sarcastic, bitter, or angry? or to be contributing members of society? have i left my friends without a sense of wrong and right? black and white? i dont get it.... how can people who know me be ok with that? more later

when life makes no sense

There are sometimes

When yesterday is today,

When today is tomorrow,

And your time has no meaning.

There are sometimes

When time is real and moving,

When then and now are balanced,

And your future is your dream.

There are sometimes

When your past is a mistake,

When your future is a dream,

And they are your present life.

There are sometimes

When your time has new meaning,

When you decide your future,

And your past, it was a dream.

There are sometimes

When you check out all your life,

When you give up on the fight,

And time has passed you by.

what it is

ever notice how life is just rockin..... and then falls apart? seems to happen to me pretty often...



things that happened this year

• learned to dance
• learned the meaning of organic
• made new friends
• turned my "arch nemesis" into a worthwhile friend
• have successfully lived in my house for a year
• worked over 3400 hours
• met new family
• realized why i hate holidays
• threw my list away
• got 2 dogs
• realized mesquite isn't the place for me
• committed to finding my defining moment
• went to Vegas
• stepped out of my box to do things i never should have been able to do
• went to Florida
• discovered tuaca
• lost everything i valued
• redefined value
• stopped asking and started doing
• felt completely left out
• let a girl move in with me

things i wanted have changed... i guess I'm at the point where I'm like, ok what do i do now? where do i go from here? how do i make this work? I'm tired of it. I'm tired of being the dependable one. I'm tired of being the unfazed one. I'm tired. you think life doesn't beat me down? its kicking my butt. I'm tired of carrying it all. I'm tired of caring when no one else seems to. I'm tired of conforming. i want it back... the love, the peace, the joy i used to have... what happened to it? i find I'm bitter, or more willing to make excuses for mistakes. more willing to make excuses for myself. i find i am less likely to keep up with personal commitments. i want my life back